My Spoon is Too Big

Happy VD to everyone! I'm sure many of you are thumping your heads right now thinking "Dammit! Valentine's AGAIN, and I forgot to get a boy/girlfriend!"

To which I laugh heartily (ho ho ho) and say: "I get to have sex tonight!"

Yes, La Internet, Danielito returns today from yet another European vacation for a week of, well, vacation with me here. Contain your jealousy.

whoa we're halfway there whooooa living on a prayer

So you might want to hear how the root canal went. The answer: it didn't. See, before the procedure, a dental hygenist who has failed to grasp basic English (DHWHFGBE) will ask you to sign a document stating that you understand that a root canal is a surgical procedure that will possibly kill you, et cetera and so forth.

The document also tells you how much the procedure is expected to cost. For my procedure, Dr. Longindianname was expecting a number with two zeros, a three, and a five. Now, any combination of those numbers that does not have the two zeros coming first is simply unacceptable with my present dental budget of about sixty cents and a warm starburst.

I asked DHWHFGBE how much of the costs were covered by my insurance and was told $1500, at which point I laughed a little and said, "I'm leaving now."

Dr. Longindianname tried to tell me that this was the going cost of a root canal, which was hard for me to believe as I slipped on his marble floors and had to catch myself on a bronze-and-sterling statue in the lobby (I am not exaggerating) on his private floor in an exclusive building across Copley Square from the Plaza Hotel. (I chose him because with insurance, my regular visit has a $5 copay.) (Which seriously kicks ass.)

Anyway, I do realize that root canals are not inexpensive procedures - the crown alone can cost up to $2000 if you get a gold one; however, Dr. Longindianname does not exactly have a payment plan for the hundreds if not thousands of dollars it would cost me to not have rotten teeth. (Ignore the split infinitive.)

Solution: have it done in a third world country for a fraction of the cost.

Yes, Internet, when I travel to Guatemala for a job interview, I will also be stopping by Daniel's dentist, where instead of novocaine, they give you a swig of whiskey and tell you to squeeze a tennis ball. Ha ha. Kidding. Whiskey is too expensive - they use tequilla.

Hopefully, in the meantime I won't develop any pain, which would send me back for an emergency root canal to my pricy dentist with his vogue light sconces and foreign dental hygenists.

Wish me luck.

i wanna dance with somebody somebody who loves me

After not touching her for nearly four years (has it really been that long?), I decided to break out Diana, my cello, from storage and see if I can still play like I used to. (I can't.) What I can do is cause myself considerable pain as my hand muscles don't get quite the same workout they used to. (Get your mind out of the gutter.)

This morning my fingers have bruses on their tips, and it hurts to move my thumb. And that's from only about a 40-minute practice of scales.