Thursday, February 19


[Psychology researchers at Berkeley] videotaped 100 undergraduate students who didn't know each other, and studied their body language during one-minute gaps in conversation.

The results were clear: Students from a higher socio- economic background were more likely to be rude during the silence. They would doodle, fidget or start grooming themselves. Less-privileged students made far more effort to engage with the other person, making "I'm interested" signals such as laughing or raising eyebrows.

In short, the richer people were a lot ruder, while the poor were a lot more polite.

No comment.

Ok, one comment: I don't think it has anything to do with politeness. In my experience, many wealthy people simply don't take interest in or have any awareness of the world around them outside of a very small circle, which in many cases is limited to just themselves. Which, actually, come to think of it, is kind of impolite, I guess. In a way.


Wednesday, February 11

If the Sun isn't up, Why in God's Name Do You Expect Me to be?

My car to the airport will pick me up at home at 5 a.m. The thought makes me want to die. And take as many people down with me as I can.

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Tuesday, February 3

Waiting for My Meeting

down down baby
down by the roller coaster
sweet sweet baby
I'll never let you go
shimmy shimmy cocoa pop
shimmy shimmy pow
shimmy shimmy cocoa pop
shimmy shimmy pow
grandma grandma sick in bed
she called the doctor and the doctor said:
let's get the rhythm of the head DING DONG
let's get the rhythm of the head DING DONG
let's get the rhythm of the hands CLAP CLAP
let's get the rhythm of the hands CLAP CLAP
let's get the rhythm of the feet STOMP STOMP
let's get the rhythm of the feet STOMP STOMP
let's get the rhythm of the (pause) HOT DOG,
let's get the rhythm of the (pause) HOT DOG
put it all together and what do you get?


Friday, January 16

Real Life Conversation with My Boss on the Telephone

Context: we are talking about me being needed to staff a conference right after I return from my friend Barack Obama's inauguration in DC.

Him: "Be sure you are safe and come back from DC."
Me: "I'll be back, but i might not have my voice."
Him: "I dont need your voice. I just need your body. Be sure to come back, I need you; I need your body."
Me: "Um."
Him: "Oh Jesus."

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Thursday, January 15



Wednesday, January 14

How to Charm Me

Bring me cupcakes.


How to Charm Me

Hold my hand as we walk down the street even though it is freezing and I have gloves and you do not.


How to Charm Me

Go complexly out of your way to come by my office to bring me two dozen cream-colored long-stem roses.


Tuesday, January 13



Thursday, January 8

2008 Timeline

January is kind of vague. It is cold. I live in Spanish Harlem, and I sleep on an air mattress. Daniel didn't want to be my Valentine. I fall in love with Barack Obama, and I almost buy a Yorkie puppy in Brooklyn, but back out because puppy mills = evil. Someone falls off the building across the street from work, and I see Juno and love it.

I meet and start dating and fall for Beebs, who is very handsome and sweet, and also not right for me at all. He is my Valentine. I have my golden birthday, and he sends me golden flowers, and we have a party at my house and then go out. Vlada, the Holy Temple of Drama, gives away his coat. I start tagging AMAZO posts, but to this day only have a few months finished. I also promise to repair and fix the links bar. Which I also have not done. An estranged cousin comes to visit, and we bond over a mutual distaste for our shared grandmother.

I talk about one of my favorite recurring dreams. A scary Russian man bleeds all over me on the subway after a fight, and I vow to stop going to Queens. I begin to hate my job.

Nothing happens in April except for huge ridiculously dramatic breakup with Beebs involving Daniel and there is much wringing of hands and pulling of hair.

At work, we discover that if you push E1 on the vending machines, you get E1 (peanut M&M's) and E0 (Tropical Starburst). Marcia becomes my BFF for sharing this delicious and fattening secret, which becomes the only reason I still like to come to work. Food prices in New York start to rise noticably, and while I receive my stimulus check and use it to pay for things I have already bought, I am still doing very well with my small brokerage account. I get hit on by a string of teenagers. Uma Thurman shoots a movie outside my office. After a year in Guatemala, and another year without a dental exam, I discover that I have 500% of the cavities that I thought I had, and have to get them filled.

I start a new job of sorts at work, and like it much more. I have a panic attack. Kelly and I make fun of a guy in the Natural History Museum who looks like he stepped out of a J. Crew catalog and keeps striking model poses as he clearly waits for someone who has stood him up. I start to severely dislike Hillary Clinton.

Kelly and I go to the beach in Maine, and I buy fresh saltwater taffy, God's gift to Creation. I go to a conference in Los Angeles and go to DisneyLand for the first time and have Mickey Mouse pancakes and eat them with Lilo. They shoot a movie in my new apartment and paint the walls sky blue, but we ask them to paint it back before they leave. Kelly helps me move in, and the elevator breaks in my old place, luckily after we had moved out the heavy stuff, but I unfortunately live on the sixth floor. I buy furniture at Ikea. My friend Barack Obama speaks in Berlin, and Sophia from the "Golden Girls" dies. I write a song.

I date a boy named Alex who has the largest male organ in North America. We do not have sex, but we do go see the Worst Movie of All Time, August Rush, when it is being screened in Central Park. We discuss how terrible/much fun it is to go to Vlada. I get a dog, who is the most awesome dog in the world and who likes to sit on my feet and sometimes knocks over the garbage just to see if he can. I receive one of my favorite emails ever. Facebook thinks I am Dutch.

I do my semi-annual STD test and am free and clear. I rename my dog "His Excellency Tobias Aurelius," as it better suits him. I buy a monster television because I can and feel like it. I miss being in love. We throw a huge party for first presidential debate with maybe 40-50 people and have a drinking game the result of which is that everybody is drunk by the time the third question is over.

Nothing happens in October. October is a pointless month.

My friend Barack Obama wins the presidency, and I win $3 in the lottery. The economy is now officially in shambles. Marcia and I go to the opera and she yells "BACON" at some old lady wearing a quarter million in diamonds. I am hired for a new position.

I meet Friendman, get lots of surprise gifts, and decide I love Christmastime in New York, though Christmas Day has officially lost its magic for me. Friendman and I exchange frillions of emails and calls while I am on vacation, and I miss him almost as much as I miss New York, which is finally feeling like home.


Monday, January 5

Una Fiesta en Mis Pantalones

Rumors of my death via horrible mutilation by wild ostriches were terribly premature, as I am in fact alive and currently living in an ostrich-free area and would anyway probably notice the pack of ostriches ("flock," if you will).

ANYWAY. Just for fun, let's do a massive post today that would normally be broken down into many smaller, bite-sized posts with appropriate and clever titles. Omnibus blog posts are totally in for 2009.

Oh hell, I have to have subtitles then, damn.

Subtitle One
Beef: It's What's for Dinner.

I have a new boyfriend; his last name is Friedman but whenever I type "Friedman" is comes out "Friendman," and thus a nickname is born. Anyway so far the only bad thing about Friendman is that he doesn't come in pocket-size and cannot be taken around and brought out when I am bored and/or need some lovin'.

I hesitate to post pictures here because of the 80% chance you will try and steal him from me.

Oh ok, here's one:

Here's one of him being inappropriate(ly cute).

I wish I had a picture of him shirtless because he has at least a dozen abs and they make me dizzy just looking at them.

Best exchange so far:
Me: So you're not breaking up with me tomorrow, right?
Him: No, I'm not retarded.

Subtitle Two
Asians Can't Hold Their Liquor
Unless They Are Simultaneously Jewish. Apparently.

Onye was in Nashville this year for reasons beyond comprehension, and lots of pictures are up on Facebook, and I will link to anyone who has them up on Flickr. Adina?

Anyway, Asian Mike and Charley were hosting, but deluded themselves into thinking they could shoot Jager and then make it to midnight. After Asian Mike passed out about 10:30, the DJ finally stopped playing girly crap and put on some Daft Punk and we all watched Dick Clark slur through his talk. (Seriously, they just freeze him every year and then thaw him out in time for his Rockin' Eve.) (Dick, maybe it's time to just retire.) (Unless Ryan Seacreast is your replacement.*)

Interesting fact about Nashville, though: they have a life-size recreation of the Parthenon made of brown gravelly concrete and inside is a giant statue of Athena, clothed in pressed gold, with sword and shield, looking for all the world like a very unconvincing transvestite. I mean, wow. Basically they charge you five dollars to feel very uncomfortable.

Ummmm. Right, so kind of low on the awesome factor, but I was very happy to see everyone, and hopefully next year (Seattle? New York? Boston Redux?) we will all make it to midnight and not pass out like little girls who had too much of daddy's candy water. Seriously, Adina made it and also made friends with half the bar and got one poor waitresses life story, too.

Subtitle Three
Christmas, or
Why I Never Talk to the Males in My Family

Because they are douchebags. Also I got a Wii.

Subtitle Four
No Rest for the Weary

January usually is pretty tame, since I don't particularly like going out in the cold and the wet, but this year it is shaping up to be chockablock full of hearty granola. Or something that makes sense, I DON'T KNOW I AM VERY BUSY.

We picked up ski clothes at Friendman's parents place in Connecticut and are going skiing with Justin and some of his old friends to the Poconos for the weekend, to which I am really looking forward, since I haven't been in I think two years, maybe three. I remember how much I sucked starting out though, so hopefully I will have retained at least some muscle memory.

Friendman and I went non-ice skating on the non-ice rink at the Natural History Museum last weekend too. Have you heard about this? You are skating on plastic. No, seriously. There is no ice, no zamboni, nothing. It's plastic. That you skate on. It was fun for about15 minutes and then I wanted to die. This is what global warming has in store for us: no polar bears and also skating on plastic.

Also this month is the inauguration of my friend Barack Obama, who will get his presidency on in a few weeks. I've booked a room in Alexandria, and while Kelly is unable to join because of work, it looks like Friendman will be able. Also since when does a Day's Inn a mile from the Metro in Alexandria, Virginia cost that much per night? My friend Barack Obama would not approve of such opportunism.

Right after I get back on Wednesday, I leave for a conference in Denver, where I am launching a new program and presenting to a bunch of people, so all of that prep work needs to be complete before I leave for DC. I'm excited though: JenFoy is out there and I don't think I've seen her for a few years now.

Subtitle Five
Things Myriad and Sundry

  1. When we went to dinner at Chick-fil-A, Donny left his car door open the entire time we were inside. The door of the rental car that was packed with our things, among them my work laptop. Luckily we were in The South, and everyone was friendly and did not jack our shit, which would have sucked to high hell and holy heaven.
  2. You know what is awesome? Graham cracker crumbled up and then covered in chocolate.
  3. I still cannot smell tequila without retching. Thank you TC's birthday party circa 2003.
  4. Due to seasonal depression, the tanning cycle has begun for the winter, and hot damn does it work like a charm.
  5. Toby lost about ten pounds in hair while I was away. He's shedding his winter coat, and it is everywhere. Like seriously, I could make five or twelve new Tobys from the hair. I mean he leaves trails of fur on the ground. Swiffering and vacuuming is a daily activity, and I am thanking God that he knows to stay off the sofa. He looks like a puppy now. A puppy with a crew cut.
  6. Two more guaranteed posts this week: 2008 Timeline and 2009 Resolutions. Feel free to leave suggestions!

* Somebody needs to take that chick out.

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Tuesday, December 16

Bizzarro World

Yesterday in New York it was 63 degrees.

Right now it is snowing, and the snowflakes are on steroids. I mean, they are humongo snowflakes. I have never seen such snowflakes.

Again, yesterday: 63 degrees. Today: snowflakes the size of small volkeswagons.

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